Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
