His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize