He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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