Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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