ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
