I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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