I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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