I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
