that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
