btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
