my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
