apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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