yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
