shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
