My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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