My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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