ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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