so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just cut my nipple shaving
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
