I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
