maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
