Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
