Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
