when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
