I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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