So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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