In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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