Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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