would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize