im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm just crazy horny about you
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
