we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
