Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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