drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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