if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
