More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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