I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
