just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
