I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
