Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
