Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Randomize
