ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
