Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
