Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
