I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
