I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
