two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
