nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Randomize
