It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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