Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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