Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
