um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
