I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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