i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
