after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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