I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize