Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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