yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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