Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
