My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
