Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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